Ask any mum and they will admit to feeling ‘Mum Guilt’. Whether you’re a stay-at-home parent, you have a year’s maternity leave and are returning to work or you’ve got your own business and work straight through, there is guilt to be found in being a mummy.
Being a working mum is so hard, but so very rewarding. I’ll be honest and say I couldn’t have been a stay-at-home mummy because I love having my business, I love working and I would have missed that. But it was tough. I went back to nannying when Oliver was 6 weeks old, so he had to come with me and it wasn’t easy juggling 4 older children with a newborn baby, and that’s alongside starting my business – Yummy Baby Group. When Ella and Henry came along my business had become big enough for me to be able to drop nannying but that meant I was busy answering calls form sleepless parents 24/7. I remember talking to one mum I’d been supporting for 5 weeks with her 10 month old. She heard Ella crying in the background and asked who the baby was. I explained that I had a 6 week old – the shock in her voice when she realised she had been calling me at 3am to troubleshoot when I had a newborn baby! It was the same when Henry was born in 2015 – I answered emails on the way down to theatre and then took on a family when he was 3 days old.
I think now more than ever there is so much information out there that makes new parents feel guilty, information that is intended to make you feel guilty about particular parental choices. Just the other day I was reading a thread about a mum that needed to leave her baby for a night soon after birth and there were people commenting that she was selfish and a baby needs their mummy 24/7, that the baby thinks they are a part of you and leaving them will damage them. This is all so untrue. Babies need love but this can be from either parent or caregiver. Never feel guilty if your baby is in arms and being cared for by someone who loves them.
It is also untrue that small babies can’t learn to sleep well and independently. If you need this to happen then there are things you can do whatever age your baby is to encourage it. You can have a newborn baby and work if that’s what you need to do. Here are some tips for you working (or simply busy!) mums out there.
So what are my tips if you are going back to work when your baby is young?
- Feeding on demand: can absolutely be ‘feed when your baby is hungry’, you do not need to use the breast or bottle every time your baby cries. Remember their sleeping and feeding signals are pretty much identical in the early days so rooting, crying, sucking, lip smacking etc. can all be tired signs too. If you would prefer more predictability this is possible whether you are breast or bottle feeding. How can you manage this? Use feeding as a last, rather than first, resort, especially if your baby has fed within the last 2 hours. This will inevitably mean you manage bigger gaps between feeds and baby can learn to sleep without feeding. If you feed every time your baby cries this can result in baby constantly snacking and falling into feeding to sleep, day and night. This is exhausting for any parent but impractical if you have other priorities alongside your baby.
- Separating feeding and sleep: If your baby is always feeding to sleep they will find it very difficult to go to sleep, and remain asleep overnight or for naps, without you feeding them. Aim for the EASA routine – Eat Activity Sleep Activity – so that you have a little awake time either side of feeding, in the daytime. If your baby is sleepy after a feed then wake them, change their nappy and have a little awake time before getting them to sleep without feeding. Having good gaps between the feeds also means your baby is more likely to sleep for longer periods – this is vital to ensure you’re rested but also have time to do the things you need to do between the feeds.
- Sleepy cuddles are good: BUT hold your baby in a position that is similar to them being in their cot, e.g. on their back. If your baby gets used to contact napping on their tummy, on your chest, then they will find it impossible to sleep on their back in their cot. Opt for them sleeping in the crook of your arm on their back or lying on your knees on their back, or on your tummy on their back. You can absolutely have skin to skin but with baby on their back rather than tummy.
- Avoid using a sling: If you are going out then use the pram or car seat. In the home use a baby bouncer or their cot. If you use a sling your baby will learn to sleep upright and tummy to tummy. This position is less than ideal overnight as it will mean that need you to walk up and down with your baby in a sling at 3am. The baby bouncer, being bounced with your foot is a great way to get some emails done if baby is being fussy!
- Practice your baby going to sleep on a hard-ish surface, on their back, from the start. This could be their crib or a sleepyhead or pillow on your knees (when supervised) or next to you on a bed or a baby bouncer with a little bounce. You may help them with a head stroke, little bounce, rock or wiggle but try and practice from early on. If your baby is sleeping on their own in their cot then you will have that time to answer emails, catch up with work, talk to clients and run your business.
- Bottle: I know this is a controversial one but if you think at any point you might need to leave your baby or need someone else to be able to care for them, even short term, then consider introducing a bottle early on. I often have contact from parents with 3-5 month old babies that haven’t introduced a bottle to and they are refusing to take them. Introducing them early on can make it easier and less stressful. In order to do this with expressed milk, ‘safely’, ensure that you are only using milk you have expressed in the last 24 hours. I used to express 2-3 oz in the morning and introduce that in the evening or for the first night feed if I was working.
What if you’ve had a maternity leave and you are now going back to work?
- Encourage independent sleep: The most important thing is having a baby that’s self-settling. If you are helping your baby go to sleep or they are relying on you, milk cuddles etc. then this is going to make it much harder for them to settle at childcare. The last thing you want to be worried about when returning work is whether your baby is able to sleep, manage naps or the person looking after them is going to be able to help them. If your baby can sleep well for you then they can adapt to sleep anywhere.
- Reduce night time wakes: Once baby is going to sleep well and independently, address night wakes. The last thing you need when back at work is a baby who wakes all through the night. If your baby is weaning well then they don’t need night time feeds. If they are slow at weaning or under 8 months then a max of 1 feed a night.
- Get them used to others: Do this by leaving them with a friend or relative for an hour here and there, or half a day when you can. Leave your partner to do bath and bed or get a babysitter in and have a morning out. Or join a gym and leave them in the creche. Getting your baby used to other people or being in new places is good practice for childcare.
- Have a predictable day: Whether your baby is going to a nursery or childminder they will need to fit into a predictable day. If they already have that before starting it’ll make the transition much easier for them.
- Succeed at weaning: Knowing your baby is eating well and enjoying solids will take away the pressure if you’re breastfeeding, and ensure that you know they will eat the food they are offered and make night times easier. Weaning is such an important part of having a settled baby.
What are my tips if you need to work with your baby there?
- Cot naps & independent sleep: Having a baby that settles well for cot naps and sleeps independently is invaluable when you are working with your baby. It means you can book in meetings, catch up with emails and have time to work while your baby sleeps.
- Good bed time routine: Knowing your baby will be settled for the evening means you can plan to relax or catch up with the work you’ve not been able to do in the day time. The last thing you need is to be battling with a baby in the evening after trying to work all day and needing to catch up in the evening.
- Baby bouncer can be a great tool if your baby is unsettled. You can put your baby into the bouncer and bounce them with your foot (or by itself it it’s got that function!) while you have your hands free. I know some people advise a sling for the same thing but slings encourage babies to sleep on their tummies/upright and this isn’t what you want to encourage. In contrast, bouncers encourage back sleeping.
- Ad hoc childminder: Some childminders will allow you to call on them ‘as-and-when’. This can be great if you have an important meeting you can’t take baby along to. Ask around for this kind of care.
- Join a gym and use the creche: When my youngest was little I joined a gym with a creche. My membership came with 3 hours free childcare a day. I used to go for a swim and then sit in the café and catch up with work – all with free childcare. With older children you can go to soft play. I spent many a mornings in soft play with my laptop working while my youngest 2 pre-schoolers played in the ball pit!
- Ask for help: Swap childcare days with friends, offer to cover their after school if they’ll have baby for a couple of hours in the day, even older parents that can’t handle long term childcare might be able to help for an hour or two. I used to go and sit in my dad’s bedroom and do a consultation while my baby was downstairs with him for an hour. I knew I was there if he needed me in an emergency (that never happened).
- Get a cleaner (even better if they like babies!): Anything you can do to offset the things you need to do. Swap to online shopping, get a cleaner, someone to help with ironing, it’s fine to ask or pay for help.
I hope you can see how making a few changes can make your life easier with your baby when you’re working. Hopefully they’ll help dispel the myths, stop the mum guilt and help you to make decisions that make your life more manageable.
